FORT LEWIS (Horizon News) — The tense standoff at Fort Lewis Zoological Gardens has come to an end, after a foggy night filled with explosions, mayhem and escaping animals. Salish-Shidhe ground troops completed their withdrawal this morning, while UCAS troops struggled to recapture a number of paranormal animals who escaped into the wild through large, mysterious holes in the facility’s walls that appeared during what was an abnormally foggy night.
Notably, Barnaby, the bear who triggered the protests, has not been located. Head researcher, Dr. Anderol Gleeson, was caught on trid in a heated exchange with Bear Doctor Society Protester Dr. Brenda Treesplitter, most of which is unsuitable for publishing. “Where the **** is the ****ing bear, you ****ing hippy!?! Do you know how much ****ing money Ares poured into that thing!?!” Gleeson was eventually sedated and carried off by UCAS HTR operatives, and an Ares spokesperson called the doctors comments, “unfortunate and misinformed. Ares respects all life. The bear was obviously not modified in anyway, but may still be dangerous–anyone with information on the bear’s whereabouts should contact Ares representatives immediately.”
Bear Doctor Society protesters appeared surprisingly calm, providing medical aid to several researchers who had been knocked unconscious during the as-of-yet unexplained events. “Our spirits are currently working to drive these animals south,” said Dr. Treesplitter. ” We have people across the border who can help reintegrate them into Salish-Shidhe lands.”
The researchers, themselves, appeared to have no memory of what happened. “We were locked inside and then… I don’t know, it’s like a dream I can’t quite remember. I think someone threw an awakened walrus at me! The next thing I remember, this Bear Shaman was muttering something over my head, and I now I feel better. I think I’m going to need a new job, though.”
Salish-Shidhe representatives expressed anger over the incident. “We’re still not clear on who breached the facility last night,” explained Elder Jim Whitewing. The Bear Doctors have given us their word that they were not involved, beyond the cleanup this morning. Whoever is responsible for this took a number of reckless, and frankly, stupid risks. That said, the most foolish risk was the UCAS’s failure to live up to its agreements concerning the treatment of these animals. Perhaps the generals of UCAS should look to the volcano to the east more often, and remember the consequences of their past choices.”
The public section of Fort Lewis Zoological Gardens will remain closed for several weeks while damage is assessed, doors and walls are repaired, and the remaining animals are corralled. This is the second time explosives have been detonated in a research facility in the last month, after the Red Blossom Clinic sustained damage in what Shiawase claims was a hate crime against disabled elves. Barnaby the Bear remains at large and officials from both nations have promised to return him to the facility when found.
Tony Beeman has lived in Seattle as a writer, performer, director and software developer since 1998. In addition to performing, directing and serving as Artistic Associate at Unexpected Productions in Pike Place Market, Tony performs regularly with 4&20 Improv, Seattle Experimental Theater, and Improv Anonymous. His Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is INFP.